Friday, September 19, 2008

10 ways to drive your Mom crazy


#1 Bark incessantly until your citronella collar is empty then bark whenever the feeling strikes you.

#2 Perpetrate a prison break from your cell (kennel).

#3 Work tirelessly to breach the perimeter (knock out the baby gate).

#4 Start a systemic search and destroy mission starting in the basement. Dig through all the kitty litter eat the good stuff and scatter the rest of it all over the floor.

#5 Move upstairs to the kitchen...eat all the cat food in the bowls, then knock over the cat food container and apply force (teeth, teeth and more teeth) to bust open the container and eat until full.

#6 Dump the lidded trash can over and scatter coffee grounds etc. all over the kitchen and into the carpeted dining room, grinding it in where appropriate. Take big pieces of garbage and hide them all over the house as presents for Mom (this will take some time but is well worth the effort when Mom finds them).

#7 Move in to the living room and show Mom why it's a bad idea not to clean the coffee table before she goes to work. Take everything on the coffee table and scatter it all over the floor. Chew a few bills so Mom realizes that some thought and effort went in to this concerted attack on her office space.

#8 Now move in on the hallway and attack the treat drawer. Use whatever means necessary to pull out the drawer in the process blocking the front door so Mom won't be able to get in when she gets home. Once you have the drawer open make sure to eat as many pigs ears as you can handle (you can always come back and work on them through the day as you do have hours left before Mom gets home). When you get tired of the pigs ears break in to the bag of Evo treats that Mom only let's you have one or two of a day because they are way too rich for you. Eat your fill!

#9 By now it's time to take a break until Mom gets home. When you hear her try to get in the front door and it won't open, run to the back door to meet her, barking the whole time so she knows how excited you are that she's home. When she finally gets in the house give her your cutest face and look hurt when she starts to yell.(in the spirit of teaching you from my experience...you might wanna hide instead of meeting your Mom at the door)

#10 After Mom has destroyed all your hard work by putting everything back, and you have spent a long time outside guarding the back yard, you go to bed with Mom. When she wakes up you make sure that all that stuff you ate has come out the appropriate end right where she puts her feet in the morning.

Now if all this doesn't work for you...then your Mom is a much tougher nut to crack than mine and you might need to add in some shoe chewing and stuff.

Good luck my brothers and sisters in fluff. Let me know how you do.

3 comments:

Culinary Cory said...

Hehe…I used to bark incessantly as a child. No wonder my mom kept me on a leash. :) Cute blog post.

J.S. said...

LOL Your poor long suffering mother. But oh do I remember the kiddy leashes, you don't see them around anymore, I can't imagine why. ;o)

My favorite memory of the child leashes was tying my friends younger brother to the automatic garage door to keep him out of our way when we were playing (she was supposed to be watching him). Her Dad came home from work right about then. He was greeted by a screaming toddle hanging a few feet off the ground. (woo boy did we get in trouble....and he wasn't even MY brother!)

matt said...

I love the way you write! This had me laughing with each new paragraph. Your sense of humor should help you through a lot of the waiting you're going through on the job front.